Each Year, there is something that happens to me around the time of Rosh Hashanoh (the Jewish New Year) that has been so ‘on time’ that I can no longer deem it as a ‘coincidence’. As the energy of this time of year visits me, I am brought face to face with the things that have been serving as a noose around my neck – the things that are literally and metaphorically strangling me and keeping me in a (un) comfortable little prison cell. Fascinating (not to mention bewildering) that there always seems to be more, but such is life. I guess I chose Evolution… be careful what you wish for…
This doesn’t happen for me in a gently, nicely nicely manner, with a pretty little sign signalling – ‘this way’. ‘It’ rears it’s head with the force of a sledge hammer slamming into my scull and feels as (emotionally) painful.
It’s interesting to me because I was actually intending to write a blog geared towards the external (not that our internal and external worlds are mutually exclusive), referring to the ways in which we’ve been operating that at some point, just stop working and serve us no longer (if indeed they ever really did). As it is, most of the external stuff, the things we ‘do’, are avoidance techniques anyway, they’re actually symptoms of a deeper cause, created to keep us from that which is actually important – namely to sit quietly and go within. It seems easier to ‘do’, even when the doing drives us crazy.
So there I was, wondering about all things ‘outside’ – relational and personal interactions, the work we’ve been involved in, possibly the routines / addictive processes that have run or been in the background of our lives, but, as I came to write, life had other ideas.
Out of nowhere (if there really is such a thing!) said sledge hammer arrives ‘bang’ on time in the form of a miscommunication, a mixed up coffee order, an attempt to right aforementioned miscommunication that only compounded the situation, my rocketing into a downward spiral and emotional abyss and there I was, in inner turmoil, shell shocked at the speed and course of events, feeling deeply confused, bereft and dejected.
I started to point the finger when it dawned on me that the Jewish New Year was ‘in the air’ and the feeling I was deeply embedded in was way too familiar for me to ignore – the calling for my attention was too loud. Despite the churning in my gut, the profound feelings of self judgement, the acknowledgement that I felt grossly misunderstood, isolated and alone and the visceral fear that accompanied all of this, I knew I needed to look within. I knew that life was giving me another golden opportunity to let go. Life was showing me yet more of the stuff that was keeping me separate, in the blame game, in victimhood and living smaller than is possible.
It makes sense really – at this time of year when the name of the game is new beginnings and rebirth, it stands to reason that there needs to be some endings and a possible death or two! A lot of the things we’re carrying (thoughts, patterns, distorted image of self and others, defense mechanisms, limiting beliefs, misperceived worldviews and the like) are way past their sell-by dates. Life will always show you that which needs to be released and although we’re all on a journey (and in my experience, there’s always ‘stuff’ to be worked through), it seems to be exacerbated in the energy of this time of year and occurs at a much deeper level.
Life is kind like that (sledge hammer aside) – if you’re choosing to evolve, it will show you all the things that stand in the way of your evolution and forward movement. I believe you’ll be given signs regardless, but if you’re not consciously looking for them, you’ll most likely be prone to the blame game and victim mentality, rather than recognising yourself as the common denominator and taking personal responsibility to graduate patterns of thinking, reaction and unhelpful behaviour.
So for me, there were things I needed to see at a core level – my (over) reactions, the lens through which I view the world that has me ‘on guard’, anticipating attack, old outdated stories that belong to a younger version of myself that I can still at times operate from, a ‘me against the world’ belief system that can keep me out of right relations – there’s a tonne of stuff, but it’s stuff nonetheless and it’s about time I opened the door and showed it the exit.
So, I had two very obvious choices in the midst of this situation – this ‘blow up’ could be used as self-punishment or towards self-advancement. I could use the chain of events as evidence to support my self-sabotaging beliefs (I’m never understood, life is unfair, why does this happen to me, why do I need to fight so hard… ad infinitum), stand self-righteous, spouting about the injustices cited against me or I could view this occurrence as happening perfectly (as I believe life always is), wonder what I’m being shown / what the learning is and what needs to die in order for a birth to occur – namely, the higher version of myself that is waiting for me to allow her to be expressed. The version of me that is tired of waiting on the sidelines behind the distorted self view.
I’m not going to lie, the whole chain of events sucked. I felt emotionally wrung out and drained – I’m human and found myself in a very human experience and it was painful, but it’s also ok… I accept that the human experience offers us the full spectrum of human emotion and experience and this was just that, another experience. I also accept that I’m not the Dalai Lama when I’m bang slap in the middle of an emotional whirlwind, but, lurking in the background of the seeming chaos, I know there’s a blessing. If it wasn’t for this ‘out of the blue’ occurrence, I wouldn’t have known some of this stuff still lurks in the shadows waiting to catch me unaware and trip me up. And trip me up it does, it always has… Whilst I give these thought processes even a modicum of belief, I give them energy and keep them alive. And make no mistake, this stuff can be dangerous – false beliefs and warped thinking distort not only the way we see ourselves but also the way in which we see our loved one, colleagues and even the world. It’s time to lift the veil and give yourself permission to see – not through unhelpful thinking, but truly to see. You have to choose to see beyond the illusion of the old story and patterned thinking. None of it’s real anyway.
So yet another life lesson for me and another choice to be made – keep pointing the finger (with three pointing back at me) or graduate the old story and choose better, healthier, self serving beliefs, responses and thoughts. I sat with it for a little while but in a very short space of time it felt like no choice at all; The truth is, I’m done with the old story and I’m sick and tired of living smaller than I know is possible. I’ve been suffocating in my own self imposed prison cell and it’s time to take a few more steps towards freedom. So once again, I cannot deny the clarity of the choice to be made – it’s another no brainer – old story, your time is up. Thanks for the teachings and the bid to keep me ‘safe’, but living small doesn’t suit me anymore and from here on in, I’m going it alone…
To your freedom. To your evolution!
And a Happy New (you) Year! ; )
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